Hidden Agony

wow....

2007-03-05T10:34:03Z

who knew that LJ still existed???? sure as hell not me. but i do now!

Brian

2005-09-15T21:57:24Z

I was trying to write you something sooo funny..... but I can't figure out how to make it so that only you can read it..... how do I do that?

BTW Madison ate my totally awesome hot pink Converse sandals yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seeker, seeker, seeker

2005-06-21T19:33:31Z

IF YOU HAD A DAMN LIVE JOURNAL YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO READ THE POST I JUST MADE.... TOO BAD YOU CAN'T!!! JUST GET ONE.... I MEAN COMMON, YOU EVEN HAVE A YAFRO ACCOUNT BECAUSE OF US, AT LEAST DO THE SAME FOR THIS!!!!!11

twisteddreams69 @ 2005-04-28T21:41:00

2005-04-29T01:41:38Z

blurble blurble niki just taught me how to change font. har har!

your singing is annoying to me! har har!

2005-04-27T04:55:50Z

so yea, i've been really aggitated lately, mostly because of people i'm about to move back around. is this really something that i want? or more of something that i need? i think i'll go with need........

it's hard trying to call people your friends. i'm at a fork in the road..... so many people are frustrating me. and it's not even the one's you'd think that it is. i hate that every person around here is so damn set in what they think. they're not even open to opinion. i'm sorry that i don't like gay shit like fucking sci-fi bullshit or these stupid fucking games with story lines.... i'm sorry, that's just my opinion. it doesn't make me any less "cool" than you, or any less smarter. and WHO THE FUCK CARES if i know NOTHING about computers. let me be as unknowledgable as i fucking want. i'm still smart. i'm not a narrow minded redneck. it's really annoying that everyone has a god damn opinion about me but if i try to put in my opinion or say a damn thing that doesn't agree, i'm now the biggest ass in the world. and if people can't understand that i don't have a lot of time right now because i'm trying to get my life in order.... than you can go fuck yourself.

and another thing, just because i'm not a christian doesn't mean that i don't have faith in god. it's no one's business what i have to say to god on my own time. just because i dont run around saying halelluha doesn't mean i dont have my own faith in god. so stop shoving shit down my throat. especially since every single one of you are just as guilty of not being as "christian like" as i am. except maybe sara. she's about the only person who i look up to in the sense of not straying from what she believes in and not being hypocritical of others. she's an amazing person for that.

but there are others right now, the marcum, nickerson house hold that are being supportive, i only feel like naming them right now because thats all that i need to name.

oh but i went and watched karoke being sang tonight. that was kinda kewl. i didnt know theresa had a singing voice lol. why didn't anyone tell me. and i must thank dave for kicking ass... and of course for singing muse! i've wanted to hear him sing a muse song live since the summer! lol. and to think i didnt like novus when i first heard them lol.

ouchi

2005-03-05T00:42:20Z

k so i've had my retainers in pretty much since last night and it amazes me how much my teeth have moved. this sucks. they hurt really bad.

twisteddreams69 @ 2005-03-01T22:19:00

2005-03-02T04:23:34Z

well, tomorrow morning we're going back home. i'm not too thrilled about the drive. that kinda sucks. =( plus it's still gonna be snowing in PA which is about the last 3 hours of the drive.... now that double sucks.

umm... OH seeker! IM me or email me you whore! i havent talked to you in like close to a year. at least a real conversation!

well, i'm off to burn more of my dads dvds =)

twisteddreams69 @ 2005-02-18T21:23:00

2005-02-19T03:24:00Z

Invalid video URL.

Yafro Moblog

twisteddreams69 @ 2005-02-01T01:58:00

2005-02-01T08:03:34Z

i got a dog for my birthday and she's basically became my life. i spend almost 24/7 with her. i love her to death.

i'm going back to school soon. i'm fully excited for once i think.

i've started a quilt. i'm doing it all by hand. it's taking me FOREVER!

i'm also making new clothes for my dog. hey, it's cheaper than buying the clothes. believe me.

by the way.... I HATE JACKIE CHAN. man does he ever suck ass.

i've been feeling weird lately. i've been feeling PMS-y for a few days now. it's crazy. the one night i couldnt stop crying.

i've finally watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, or whatever its called lol. it was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

twisteddreams69 @ 2005-01-19T20:54:00

2005-01-20T02:55:19Z

hopesoblivion (8:50:31 PM): happy birthday

yay.... it starts!!!!!

i'll update i guess

2005-01-08T07:00:58Z

mostly.... i'm just doing this for terry, not because i want to lol.

current ailments: my tooth hurts and my back itches... and my head kinda itches. maybe i have the bugs.

so i'm really pissed about this whole tsunami relief fund shit..... DON'T PEOPLE REALIZE THERE'S PROBABLY A REAL LIVE HOMELESS PERSON WALKING AROUND ON THE STREET RIGHT IN THEIR VERY OWN TOWN?!?!?!? i mean seriously. since when do typical people have all this money to donate to people who live thousands of miles away but they can't through a dollar towards putting a homeless shelter in down their own street????

anyways.... that was my thoughts on that.

oh man, the nightmare before christmas game that ian got me kicks ass. we played it once and i won!

i'm really cold. like really, my nose is frozen.

my whole family like hates me right now, it's kinda disapointing. oh well. not much that i can do about that.

thats all for now.

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-12-30T00:45:00

2004-12-30T06:52:09Z

here's an update....

tonight we went to the hookah bar with brian and theresa (Sp)... and ian didnt seem to be having fun. he said he did, but who knows. so then we went shopping together. then guess where we got to go! jennis's house! w00t! i just love being so bored out of my mind that i want to shoot myself. and damn, if i had to watch jennis and his dumb hoe get to cuddle one more second i think i would have died. ian touched me for about all of two seconds when he bumped into me walking by. i got him a card today and told him how much that i cared.... "that's nice" he said, then left the card in my car. and when we left jennis's he's like "sorry if i accidently ignored you the whole time". uuhhhhh no. he didnt accidently ignore me. he's so afraid of the big bad jennis that he can't come near me because god forbid he would suspect something. i thought i'd have to put up with being ignored for an hour maybe, but not three and a half. i didnt think that he would have kept me there the whole time. but whatever. just another day gone shitty.

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-12-29T17:04:00

2004-12-29T22:06:55Z

btw, last night, well actually early early early this morning, ian and i offically became a couple!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy i can barely stand it. i'm so glad that every thing is finally fitting into place. he's the most wonderful guy i've ever been with. there's not a thing that i don't love about him. well except the banana peel incident lol. but other than that, he's the man. and he's so sweet. i don't think anyone has cared for me as much as he does. *sigh* he's so amazing. if only you all could see the twinkle in my eye!!!

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-12-07T22:37:00

2004-12-08T04:38:23Z

well since brian decided that he's just going to ignore me for the rest of his life.... what i wanted to tell him was.... "THAT'S a lot of cars."....... but he wont get the joke now. oh well.

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-12-02T00:17:00

2004-12-02T08:21:14Z

the truth is, i want to be happy. i want my life to be perfect. i want everything to fall into place the way it was intended to fall. i'm going to find my way in life no matter how long it takes. from this point on i'm going to do everything possible to make my life a happy one.

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-11-24T03:48:00

2004-11-24T10:08:29Z

today i went into to school after it let out and had a talk with my one teacher. i told her everything that's been going on, why i havent been going to school hardly lately. i told her that i want this more than anything, i NEED this school. there's just something going on with me that i can't control. and it's killing me. and of course i started crying and continued to the whole half an hour that we talked. and actually it was so weird yet amazing... she gave me a bible and prayed for me right then and there, she had tears in her eyes the whole time. we never actually talked about any specifics having to do with the reasons that i've been depressed. she said that she got chills the second that i started talking because she could feel the pain i felt run right through her when i walked in the room. and she told me, that she knows that it's going to be hard for me to come back tomorrow because i'll know what everyone is actually saying behind my back, but to just remember that they don't know what it's like to walk in my shoes. i couldn't believe that she said that, because that's one of my big fears about that class. she also said that i have some of the most amazing talent she's ever seen with out me even trying, and that she knows that i'll be great some day. i left with such a chill. i felt truly touched by her heart.

so then i went over to my grams to wait for my aunt to come get me because she was taking me shopping for my christmas presents. i called ian to tell him about not finding the right car part ( that's right folks, he ran into another *car problem* and isn't coming home till next tuesday at the earliest). i was so pissed. not even at him, just at my whole living situation.

OH so then later he called and left a message while i was gone saying to clean the house and make sure all illegal things were hidden. that just set me off because WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T I PUT EVERYTHING AWAY IF I KNEW THAT YOU WERE STOPPING BY TO PICK UP CLOTHES WITH YOUR MOM?!?!?!?! Like, no, lets just make things worse by making your family hate me, that sounds like a great idea.

so i called him to bitch at him and i ended up talking about everything that's happened this week for an hour. the whole time he kept going yea, uhuhhuh, whatever. he was being such a fuckin asshole to me. and he's like, well i'm sick and i've had a shitty time. well ya know, I'M FUCKING SORRY. i ran my ass all over bum fuck egypt today looking for a god damn car part that you could just pick up in VA on your own anyways, and all your gonna do is be a dick to me. fuck that. i'm sick too ya know. and yes, i was being a dick to him back, but still. THEN he tells me that he ordered my christmas present already and it'll be here in 10-12 business days but i can't have it till christmas...... you can't be mean to me then tell me you got me a gift!?!?!?! now who do you think you are? do you think that's going to make me stop being mad at you?????!!!!!!!??????????

..... *sigh*..... yes..... dammit i'm shallow!!!

today my aunt got me a diffuser and a straightening iron and a bunch of hair products.... right now, my hair is straight and best of all............ I DID IT MYSELF!!!! i'm so excited, i can't even sleep lol. well that and i'm sick, and i can't stop thinking about certain guys in my life and how confused i am, and my parents are driving into PA right now and the fact that tomorrow i'll probably find out if i can get assistance tomorrow..... i just have a lot on my mind okay?

*welcome to my life*

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-11-22T05:13:00

2004-11-22T11:50:35Z

i want to bleed but i cant seem to push hard enough. the more i try the less it works. i want the pain to leave me. to disapear, cleanse me. i've become a suicidal fat ass freak. i have only a few desires. most of which don't matter in the real world. i have no job. no income. no money for the bills. now it seems wrong to ask for his help, we're involved now, it would be like supporting me. i can't become part of that. but i'll grin and bare it. i dont need anything really. i just need to make sure that everyone is happy. i only need to hide the scars from him. he's the only one who would see. if i could learn to balance everything then i could be set free from all of these thoughts. i don't want to go to school. i dont want to work. i dont want to listen. i dont want to talk. i dont want to wake up. i dont want to live. i want to never come back to life. i want to fall asleep and never wake up. it's hard knowing that the only thing that will make me feel better i can't do. i'm trying to be mature now and keep all of my problems to myself. yet i desperatly want some one to fuss over me, lie to me if they have to, to make me believe that everything will work out and be okay. that one day i'll be happy and have someone to love me, that i connect with, to be my everything. one day it could happen. one day. if i'm really lucky it might. "are you still, still breathing" i want to accomplish everything, but i can only seem to do it in small strides. like the other day i completed the most amazing painting (at least i thought) in like 3 hours. it was beautiful. i enjoyed myself. then the next night i started on a new canvas, it took me 5 hours. and it was the most horrible childlike painting i had ever seen. i was ashamed of myself. its like its just another way of life showing me that i can't be good at anything. i have a moment to shine and its gone again. in school it's the same, i shine for a moment, and then i cant even bare to show up the next moment. it's ridiculous really. all i think about is how greatly i want to end my life, and how trapped i feel, as thought i'm drowning, all the time. i can't escape the feeling, no matter how hard i try. and theres hardly anything actually going on in my life thats even bad. but at the same time, it feels as though it will never heal. there will always be open wounds sending off choking fumes. i want to be loved, i want to be made love to. i want someone to spend every moment inhailing my very spirit into their body. but how can someone ever love me if i can't be happy. if i cant desire to live. if i dont give them the chance. no one will ever understand how i feel. the constant shock of every thing that happens. the knowledge that your not good enough for this thing or that. the burning sensation that the void in my heart leaves constantly. i am so very unhappy. i dont feel as though it will ever stop. i have the biggest lack of motivation ever. all i want to do is bleed and sleep. it quite frightening when you feel that there is no escape from it. i dont want to ruin what i have now. it's not much but its a start. and at the same time my desire to bleed grows with the knowledge that something good could be entering my life and i'm already so petrified that i'm inadvertantly screwing it up. it truly is frightening. i've officially lost control of myself. i can't decide what to do right now, i've been flip flopping for hours now. yet i know that i'll make the wrong choice in the end anyways. this happens more and more lately. i'm constantly pre-deciding that i'm not worthy of things so i'm giving up before they even stop. i sit around being miserable all day long. and i do nothing to stop it. i only feed the fire. i am lost in a world that doesnt accept me.

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-11-22T02:19:00

2004-11-22T08:20:28Z

here's what that painting looks like....

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/12518471/

side note - i wish i had a pot pie

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-11-21T23:30:00

2004-11-22T05:31:36Z

SIMPLE PLAN LYRICS

Welcome To My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-11-21T00:19:00

2004-11-21T06:45:47Z

friday night i didn't sleep at all because i would have had to get up at 4:30am to get ready anyways. so tyler and i watched But I'm a Cheerleader (<3) while i painted. finally at like 4am he's like, i'm gonna sleep for 45 minutes. so while he was sleeping i started getting ready.

then at 5:15am we left.... and headed to McDonalds. i wanted a breakfast sandwich ssoooo bad!!!! i was thinking about it all night. so we pull into the drive through.... AND THEY DON'T OPEN TILL 6AM!!!! freaking assholes. so michelle stops at a mini market to see if they had any breakfast sandwich's.... they didn't :(...... i was so mad. but due to lack of sleep, i was acting like the happiest peppiest person alive lol.

so we get to the hospital and the bus pulled in soon after.... WE WERE THE FIRST IN LINE!! HA HA. so we got four seats in the back. because all of our bags needed an extra seat. hee hee. we were supposed to leave at 7am from the hospital. but due to the fact that they couldn't get the E-break off, we were running about a half an hour late. but that's okay because i needed some time to calm down..... NO ONE TOLD ME THAT BUS'S DON'T HAVE SEAT BELTS!!!!!!! i was basically hyperventalating. and it wasn't helping that tyler thought it was ssooo funny, that he had to add to it and start beating me up. fag. so finally after i had had enough i basically screamed, and michelle told him to stop because she knew i would have no trouble making a scene to make him stop. i had myself so worked up that the second i put on my head phones and laid back in the chair with my pillow, i fell right asleep for the whole trip lol.

once we got to NY i had like 5 cigarettes lol. then our first stop was *heavenly music plays in head* THE NBA STORE!!!!!!! i was seriously in heaven!!!! i wanted everything that i saw almost. ohhhhhhh man. they had some of the kewlest stuff ever. and some hella kewl sweatpants. but i didn't get anything for myself, just stuff for my dad and brother. because i'm stupid.

so then we took the subway to china town. except it took like an extra hour to get there because all we would have had to do was come up from the subway, and take a left.... well michelle was certain it was a right, so we went the longest way imaginable to get one block away from where we started... *sigh* we browsed through the little stands everywhere..... and i got the cutest new piece ever!!! for $10!!! i told the guy that i only had $10 left to blow, and handed him a 20 when he said okay lol. then after shopping down there for what felt like forever, we found an authentic chinese restaurant. the second that we got in there THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING EVER happened that i will never tell anyone about in my life, no one knew what happened, but it still RUINED my day. btw, i like the "fake" chinese restaurants better lol.

another btw (it was cold and raining all day long) then we continued shopping for hours.... we thought it must have been almost time for the bus to pick us up, AND IT WAS ONLY 4PM!!! so we had another 4 hours to kill. we walked around some more, not finding anything really. so then we went to a deli and had some dessert. then we continued shopping. and finally it was down to half an hour to go, so me and tyler had some mcdonalds cheeseburgers because we were starving again. we waited in there till the bus came since thats where we were being picked up at.

i was ssooo glad when the bus came. i'm ssoooo tired and sick :( i felt so emotional all day too. but it was a good day. i slept the whole way home. then michelle dropped me off a little after midnight. which brings me to right now. yay for being home in pj's.... i'm gonna sleep in all day today :)

OMG BTW!!!!!!!!!!! i got my bestest friend the most amazing present that i have ever seen. i really hope that they like it. because they're the only one i can afford a gift for this year :( that makes me really sad :(

anyways, i'm going to maybe paint for a few, then take some nyquil and go to sleep..... night all!!! NEW YORK WAS A BLAST!!!!

my deepest fantasy....?

2004-11-19T09:35:42Z

i'm working on a certain someones christmas gift. i'm painting a picture for them. i'm almost done. i'll try to post a picture of it when its done to see what everyone thinks... because i think it looks like shit! lol.

but yea i have a story that i've been wanting to tell now for a few days. see, i've always had this fantasy, since i was in like 9th grade. well not really a fantasy, but this perfect things in my head. i don't think that any of you will understand (except maybe jenn & lei lei). you have to understand, i've been cutting since i was in 8th grade. and anyways, i saw this movie a long time ago where this guy really cared about this girl who was a cutter, and he kissed her cuts. it was so amazing to me.

well when he came home saturday he wanted us to take a shower together right away. he took his time washing my hair and body because he missed me he said. well all the sudden he got down on his knees, wrapped his arms around my legs, and started kissing my thighs, soap and all. well i started crying instantly, not out loud. but i had tears streaming down my face. luckily for me the water helped cover it. but in my head i kept telling myself that he didnt see the cuts at all, and he was just kissing my thighs randomly.

well on wednesday when we were having our 6 hour talk, he said to me... "you know why i kissed your thighs in the shower the other day right?" and i said no. well he continued to say... "i see it as a time when you needed someone and no one was there for you." and he said that he saw something beautiful about the cuts. it was the most romantic thing i've ever heard. i wanted to cry. but i didnt thank god.

anyways.... i have to get back to my painting. thank you all for listening.... dont think i'm crazy now!

some new revelations

2004-11-18T04:02:50Z

we stayed up talking until 6:30 this morning. it was amazing. we started talking at 1:30am :) so we got a lot out in that time i'd say. he really does like me. i'm so happy. i'm still in shock that he talked as much as he did, and was okay saying the things that he said. i'm so happy with the way that it turned out. my family really likes him. and i really like him too lol. i really think that he's wonderful. he has so many good qualities. i just feel lucky to be part of his life. :) (cause he said i was lol) i seriously have had the best sleep of my life the past two days. but now he's gone again :( but it's okay because i know that when he comes back things will be different between us. for the better of course...... and he did kiss me good bye in public today (after looking around to make sure no one was round lol)

crazy: .........AT LEAST YOU'RE CLOSET'S ORGANIZED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?????
crazy: NEVERMIND!!!

*and everyone falls back asleep* =)

twisteddreams69 @ 2004-11-16T17:11:00

2004-11-16T23:12:23Z

LIFE SUCKS...... someone should just kill me because i'm the biggest bitch ever, and i couldn't do anything right if my life depended on it.

Time for another book review

2004-11-15T03:39:10Z

okay, the latest book that i've finished is He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo..... very informative i must say. now of course a ton of the stuff i didn't want to know because now i'm sad lol. *sigh* but yea, all in all it was a hella good read. let me write out the chapter list...

chapter 1 - he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out
chapter 2 - he's just not that into you if he's not calling you
chapter 3 - he's just not that into you if he's not dating you
chapter 4 - he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you
chapter 5 - he's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else
chapter 6 - he's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk
chapter 7 - he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you
chapter 8 - he's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you
chapter 9 - he's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you
chapter 10 - he's just not that into you if he's married (and other insane variations of being unavailable)
chapter 11 - he's just not that into you if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak

okay now mind you, some of the topics don't apply to me, but i read them anyways. but actually a lot of the chapters did. it was really depressing to think that even though, most but not all apply to me now, some of them have also applied to my past. i constantly let myself settle for less than i may actually be worth. and even though i just learned all this information and i should really be moving on and not being in any of these relationships. but ya know what, i'm going to continue to allow this to happen to me, because even though i know the truth now, the right man, wont come along. because maybe i'm just not worth the guy that the book talks about. maybe there just arent any of those out there. i'm not that lucky. all the people i always get with want everything but the reality of it all. which is fine for now i guess. *sigh* nevermind.

he's just THAT into you?

2004-11-14T05:24:52Z

well, the more chapters i read, the more sad i get. but at the same time...... it just can't be true because then i would be putting myself in a bad situation again and i'm just too smart for that. i know better than to put my heart on the line again. and i know better than to settle for less than i truly want. so there's just no way the book could be right, right?

but at the same time, the more that i read, the harder that it is to say that he could even possibly be into me in the least sense. i really just think that i'm losing my mind. my heart is going to break again, i can see it happening.

i bet this is how jennis felt. i did the same thing to him... i'm the worst person ever......